Sometimes….Freedom really is freeing

Kings 2:2 – “I am about to go the way of all the earth,” he said. “So be strong, act like a man”

I am not a believer in Christianity but I believe in the power of words, thoughts and intentions

And sometimes I believe I am my own worst enemy.

Prone to panic attacks and self doubt because I was born with an over active imagination…which is good but can be a bit much to take if you haven’t thought it out properly.

Hence, this morning where my overactive imagination and rising self esteem took me on a roller coaster ride…

Sometimes I really shouldn’t be left unattended without something to play with…I could really cause a lot of damage left to my own devices. smh

I meditated and this was the passage that I was led to pay attention to; its innocent enough, holds a lot of promise for those growing into their own.

BUT in the hands of one who is prone to self doubt it can be taken as a sign of doom

Yeah Yeah I know but hey everybody has their demons and mine just happens to eat at my confidence

SO anywho

I’m sitting there, telling myself not to think of it as some sign of early rosebeds but that it is the time for me to rise up and be the woman I was meant to be in all my gloriousness…

uh yeah that kinda didn’t work out quite the way I was expecting it to.

I sat there, in the dark, waiting, praying I hadn’t just stepped into my own psychosis and realized my mortality.

These moments of self induced panic happen…It wasn’t pretty but it was refreshing

HOW you ask… because I took a moment to breathe

I looked down the rabbit hole but I didn’t jump in…

I looked at the statement as it was

When my mother passed away eleven years ago…I was chronologically a woman but I had the emotional mind of a child.

It has taken me years to realize that I am not unworthy of all the gifts I have been given, that my voice is not on mute, that I am and ALWAYS will be the best thing the universe ever created.

I’m pretty much a one woman show with all the flashing lights and party favors included

Rah Rah and all that

… and yes I do have my own theme music thank you very much

Looking at myself ten years ago and looking at myself now is like seeing the birth of your first child or opening your first business or getting that A in physics after butchering it all semester…

YOU my dear have arrived

But as I lay there…over analyzing myself

Questioning my ability to really be the woman I was intended to be…that my mother worked really hard to make me become

I tend to do that sometimes.

Yet something else happened that to be honest I never thought would…

I stopped myself

I didn’t spin the whole thing out of proportion or get really morbid

I sat there and really looked at the line and thought…this is what you’ve been doing

Becoming a woman…a woman of substance

the kind of woman who doesn’t have all the answers

sometimes gets its wrong

A woman who has a helluva lot of fun hanging out doing stoopid shit other people find boring or pretentious, goofy or just plain weird but makes a helluva statement because she’s passionate about her life and her vision for how she wants it to go

and I fumble around finding myself in the most miraculous places and around the most interesting people to talk to

Yes I did die…in a way

I let go of who I used to be

I let go of a lot of the baggage I had acquired

It doesn’t mean I don’t try and dig it up some days

But for the first time I realized

How freeing it is to allow yourself the freedom to be exactly who you are

and not travel down the dark alley of what you used to be